How To Romance A Weasley Twin In Ten Easy Steps
by know-it-all-bookworm
Summary: Completely AU. Involves whoopee cushions, ears, love birds, and pranks.


**How To Romance A Weasley Twin In Ten Easy Steps**

Hermione pushed her new glasses up on her nose and closed the old tome she was reading. She carefully put the book away, and left the Library, nodding goodbye to Madam Pince.

- - -

Fred moved the tapestry of the Bewildered Baron and entered the secret passage behind it only to find his girlfriend of two years, Angelina, snogging one of his best friends, Lee.

"We're through!" he snapped at his girlfriend who hadn't yet realized that she had an audience.

Her head snapped around to see him exiting the passage.

She exchanged a look with Lee and chased Fred into the Entrance Hall, bumping into Hermione and knocking her and her books to the ground.

Angelina ignored the younger girl and called out, "Fred!"

He stopped but didn't face her.

"I'm sorry!" she cried out, wiping away a tear.

Fred turned and glared stone-faced at her. "Yes, well, sorry isn't good enough!" He turned again and began walking away.

Lee burst into the Entrance Hall, knocking the newly-standing-again Hermione to the floor again. He too ignored her.

He hurried up to Fred and grabbed his shoulder. "Fred, listen to me," he begged.

Fred stopped walking, and without turning said, "If I were you, Lee, I'd walk away before I got punched."

Lee yanked his hand back as though it had been burned, and Fred stormed outside.

- - -

Hermione was in the common room studying with Harry and Ron, when Fred finally came in.

George was standing by the fireplace, flirting with Katie and Alicia, when his twin stormed through the room toward the boys' staircase.

He hurried over to Fred and whispered, "What's up? You look upset."

"I caught Angie cheating on me with Lee."

George looked shocked. "Come on, I know what'll help," he said.

The pair walked upstairs together.

Ten minutes later they were back in the common room setting off cases of fireworks, and laughing together.

Harry looked up from his book and sighed. He was a prefect and really didn't want to tell them off, but he knew that if he didn't then Hermione would, and she wouldn't be as nice about it.

"I'll take care of this," he whispered to her, mentally groaning.

She gently laid a hand on his arm and shook her head at him. "Leave them be."

Harry sat back in shock. "Why?" he asked, wondering who had Polyjuiced his best friend.

"It's not my place to say. Just let it go this time," she murmured back.

He shook his head in wonderment, but did as she said.

- - -

Later that night, Fred sat alone in the common room after everyone else went to bed.

A small white paper bird flew down the girls' staircase and over to him.

When he snatched it out of the air, the paper unfolded so it lay perfectly flat in his hand

_Dear Fred,_

_I miss your smile._

_Love from,_

_A friend_

Fred smiled.

"Well, I certainly hope that this friend is a girl, because I sure don't want "Love From" a guy," he muttered to himself.

- - -

The next day at breakfast another paper bird flew into the Great Hall through the open doors.

It fluttered over Fred's head unnoticed until George nudged him and pointed it out.

Fred smiled as it unfolded in his hand.

_Dear Fred,_

_I miss your laugh._

_Love From,_

_A friend_

He laughed to himself and handed the paper to George to read.

"Who do you suppose is sending you these notes?" George asked.

"No idea," Fred muttered, then, glancing at his watch, said, "We're going to be late for Transfiguration if we don't leave now."

The pair left, not noticing the girl who smiled to herself and happily finished her tea before dashing off to her own class.

- - -

The next morning a school owl flew into the Great Hall with a small package and a note tied to its leg.

Fred frowned in confusion, and opened the note.

_Dear Fred,_

_I miss your jokes._

_Sorry, a paper bird just can't carry a package, hence the owl._

_Love From,_

_A friend_

_PS. Don't judge a book by its cover._

Both of the twins frowned in confusion and exchanged a look.

As one, they stood and slipped off to the restrooms where they open the package.

"_Charms for the Charming by Gilderoy Lockhart_," Fred read in a snooty voice.

"Who would send you something that stupid," George asked.

Fred muttered to himself, "Don't judge a book by its cover. That's it!"

He opened the book to the first page and read, "_1001 Pranks_." He looked further into the book then said, "And it's a Muggle book."

George said, "Let me see that!" He leaned over Fred's shoulder to see.

The pair skived off their first class of the day to look it over.

- - -

Later that night George and Alicia slipped off together, leaving Fred alone in the common room.

Just as the portrait hole was about to shut behind the couple, a note flew in.

Fred plucked it out of the air, already smiling in anticipation. It unfolded.

_Dear Fred,_

_Take a look in the blocked off secret passage behind the mirror. You know the one._

_Love From,_

_A friend_

Fred was beaming as he slipped through the portrait hole.

He managed to sneak out to the mirror without getting caught, and opened it to find a small wooden chest.

He lugged it back to the common room avoiding a cat, a squib, and someone's toad. "Probably Neville's," he muttered to himself.

When he was safely seated in front of the fire, he opened the note that was spellotaped on top.

_Dear Fred,_

_Have fun guessing the passwords, there are seven._

_Love From,_

_A friend_

He tried, "_I solemnly swear that I am up to no good_," but it didn't work.

Fred was persistent however, and kept trying. He finally got it right when he said, "_Weasleys Wizard Wheezes_."

He opened it and saw rows and rows of glass and crystal vials, each one slipped into its own carefully padded compartment. He lifted one out to read its label.

"Scale of a Hungarian Horntail," he muttered and put it back, pulling out another. "Pixie Dust! That's a really rare Potions ingredient!"

Sure enough, they were all rare ingredients.

He frowned and muttered, "That's odd, we haven't told many people about the shop, and I can't think of anyone who would do this for us."

He shook his head, and shut the chest to try more passwords.

The next one he got was _Harry Potter_, and inside this compartment was a ledger and a note.

_Dear Fred,_

_I know this gift isn't exciting but it'll help you keep track of how much money you make._

_Love From,_

_A friend_

The next password was _Skiving Snackboxes_, and inside was a book that said _Prefects Who Gained Power_ on the cover. He briefly wondered why someone would give him that, then remembered the charm on the prank book.

He opened the cover, and saw _Twenty Simple Steps To Becoming an Animagus._

He closed the compartment and tried _Ton-Tongue Toffee_, and it surprisingly opened.

The compartment held two mirrors and a note.

_Dear Fred,_

_These mirrors are charmed for you and George. Simply say his name into one, and the other will buzz. When he feels the vibration he can say your name, and the two of you can talk to each other. It will also work in reverse._

_Have fun pranking people!_

_Love From,_

_A friend_

The next compartment opened to _Beaters_, which held a pair of custom made Beater's bats with their names written on them.

Next was _Gred _which held Muggle candy. And _Forge _held Muggle pranks (whoopee cushions, etc.).

When George got back twenty minutes later, he kissed Alicia goodbye and she went up to bed.

He walked over to Fred and asked, "Watcha got?"

"You won't believe it!" Fred declared and began to explain the box which he dubbed _The Seven Wonders of The Weasley Twins._

- - -

The next morning happened to be Fred and George's birthday which was, ironically enough, April Fools Day.

They were seated at the breakfast table when a paper bird flew into the room just in front of a very curious Hermione.

"This is our chance to find out who's been sending you these notes," George whispered to Fred as Hermione sat down opposite them.

Fred grabbed the paper out of the air, and before looking at it, asked, "Did you happen to see who created this, Hermione?"

Hermione shook her head, "No, I first saw it on the third floor. I was coming down the corridor on the right hand side, and it came down the one on the left, and turned to go down the same staircase I was going to use."

"Oh," Fred said and shrugged, looking at his note.

George looked disappointed for a moment, until Fred handed him the note.

_Dear Fred,_

_Happy Birthday. I hope you enjoy the show._

_Love From,_

_A friend_

Hermione was eating her toast when Fred asked George, "What show?"

Just then, as though that had been what set it off, all of the students suddenly turned into their house mascots.

The teachers spent an hour herding everyone to their common rooms.

Snape actually wound up spending all day searching the dungeons for missing snakes.

As the clock struck six in the evening, everyone turned back to human, just in time to go down to dinner.

"What did you two do?" Hermione snapped as soon as she was human again. Her eyes cast daggers at the twins.

"We didn't do anything…Honest!" they said as one.

"Yeah, right," she muttered sarcastically. She glared at them one final time, and stormed downstairs.

Fred turned toward George as they walked downstairs, "That was a bloody brilliant prank."

George just nodded.

"Who do you think did it?" he suddenly asked Fred.

"The same person who keeps sending the notes," Fred said shrugging.

- - -

A week had passed, and Fred was beginning to think that there would be no more notes, but when he and George entered the Great Hall at lunch time their Gryffindor ties and patches changed to Slytherin.

They had, oddly enough been the last to arrive for lunch due to a nasty fight between some suits of armor, Peeves for once attacking _them_, and a brief encounter with a new trick step, that had never before existed.

The duo looked around and saw that all Gryffindors were also wearing Slytherin colors, and the Slytherins were in Gryffindor red and gold. Even the Ravenclaws were in Hufflepuff colors and vise versa.

Professor McGonagall stormed up the aisle and, her eyes flashing, asked, "What did you do?"

George paled, "I swear to you, Professor, this time it wasn't us!"

Fred nodded violently, "We also weren't responsible for the transfiguration last week."

McGonagall hmphed, and continued glaring at them.

A paper bird flew in the window the owls usual came in, and fluttered over to Fred.

Under McGonagall's watchful eye, he opened it and read it to the Great Hall.

_Dear Fred,_

_Welcome to Hogwarts' Official Everyone-Is-In-The-Opposite-House Day, otherwise known as You-Can-Annoy-The-Hell-Out-Of-Snape-Because-Taking-Points-From-You-Will-Be-Taken-From-Slytherin Day._

_Love From,_

_A friend_

"Very well," the stern professor said, "as I have no proof, I cannot punish you for this, but be warned, _I have my eyes on you_!" She turned and marched back up to the Head Table.

Fred and George exchange smirks. This was gonna be good. They had Potions in the afternoon.

"Bloody brilliant," Fred muttered.

No one noticed the girl in Slytherin colors that hid her smile behind a very large book.

- - -

The rest of the school year passed by, and Fred continued to receive many notes from his mysterious friend, usually followed by an equally mysterious prank.

Little did she know, but he was currently in the common room compiling a list of her attributes when he was supposed to be doing his final Transfiguration essay before the Newts started in a week.

_My Mysterious Friend_

_Is a Gryffindor_

_A girl_

_Very smart_

_Good at Potions_

_Good at Charms_

_Likes me_

_Can sneak around the castle without being seen_

_Knows about our joke shop_

_Doesn't like Snape (but then again, who does?)_

_Is Muggle-born_

_Knows about the closed off secret passage behind the mirror and knows that I know about it_

_Knows who our secret backer is_

Fred looked up from his list, and poked George with his quill. "Oy, George, I know who she is!"

George's head popped up. "Who?"

"First, read the list and tell me if you know who it is," Fred whispered, passing the paper to him.

George read the list, frowning. "I haven't got a clue," he said, shaking his head. "So who is she?"

"Look here," Fred said, pointing. "Which Gryffindor girl has enough talent in charms and potions to be able to pull off those pranks? Which girl has access to the very object that showed us the passage behind the mirror? Not to mention access to an object that would help her sneak around the castle unseen? She's Muggle-born, _and_ she knows about our joke shop and our secret backer."

"_No!_" George declared. "She'd never prank! Never mind actually having a _crush on a prankster! _It isn't her," he said, shaking his head in denial. "I'm off. I have to go meet Alicia," he said, winking at his twin as he got up.

"It is!" Fred called after him.

"It's not!" George replied as the portrait shut behind him.

"It is," Fred muttered to himself. "And I'm going to prove it!"

- - -

Later that night, Fred was still sitting in the same spot, trying to figure out how to catch her in the act.

He finally decided to call it a night.

Fred folded up his list and slipped it into his pocket. He stood up and stretched.

But he saw something out of the corner of his eye, something with bushy brown hair. He walked over to the couch she was asleep on.

He grinned to himself. "I'm gonna catch myself a girl," he muttered under his breath. "Wait…that came out wrong." He frowned, then shrugged it off.

Fred went to bed that night humming happily. He was overdue for a note.

- - -

The next morning, Hermione got up and completed her morning routine at her usual hour of six a.m.

She slipped downstairs and then up the boys staircase. She silently opened Harry's trunk and began to look for the cloak and map.

"Damn," she whispered. They weren't there.

She sighed silently. It wasn't the first time they'd been missing when she needed them. She could make do; it just would have been easier if she had them.

Hermione slipped out the portrait hole, and down to the Great Hall.

An invisible man walked silently behind her.

She began casting a multitude of spells on the doors. When she was finished, she slipped up the stairs, until she was on the fourth floor.

She cast another spell, creating a white paper bird that fluttered in place.

The invisible man walked silently back up to Gryffindor tower and waited with her.

At last two boys came downstairs, tiredly rubbing their eyes.

"Finally," Hermione said. "I've been up for ages."

"Yeah, well, we're not bloody insane enough to get up early on a Saturday!" Ron snapped.

"Come on," Hermione said, dragging both boys by their arms. "You'll be in better moods once you've eaten."

- - -

Fred slipped up to his dorm room, and onto his bed, with the curtains shut, before taking off the cloak.

He was smiling and humming to himself as he replaced them inside Harry's trunk. He wandered down to the Great Hall, taking a short detour on his way.

He sat down next to his twin, and loaded his plate with eggs, bacon, toast, ham, and sausage.

He was just taking his first bite when the paper bird flew in, and over to Hermione.

- - -

Hermione was midway through her breakfast when it happened. A white paper bird flew into the room, and over to her.

She paled, gently plucking it out of the air, and read one word.

_Busted!_

She paled even further.

"Hermione, what's wrong?" Ginny asked.

"N-nothing," Hermione stuttered. "Nothing at all."

The paper dropped from her shaking hands, onto the table. She got up, having barely touched her meal, and left the Great Hall.

She ran all the way back to Gryffindor tower, crying silently.

- - -

Fred hadn't been expecting her to run off like that. She hadn't even sat there holding the note long enough to see the message change.

He sighed to himself, and got up, grabbing one piece of bacon off of his plate as he did. He dashed down to where Hermione had been sitting, and grabbed the note.

Fred ran to the tower using every secret passage he could to try to beat her there.

He dashed out the last passage and, as he rounded a corner, saw her entering the portrait hole.

"Hermione! Wait!"

She didn't stop.

He grabbed the portrait before it could shut completely, and ran across the room to the girls' staircase.

Hermione was only halfway to her room, when the stairs turned into a slide.

She slid down, until she landed at the bottom in a crumbled, crying heap.

"Hermione," Fred murmured, kneeling beside her. "Stop crying…please," he begged pulling her into his arms.

She fought desperately trying to escape from him, but he was too strong.

Fred managed to somehow pick her up and carry her up to his dorm room, where he placed her on his bed.

He cast a silencing charm and a locking charm on the door.

"Hermione, please read the note," he begged.

"I already did!" she snapped.

"No, you read part of the note," he explained, "but you didn't stay long enough to read the whole thing."

"Huh," she asked somewhat incoherently between little gasping breaths. She finally pulled her hands away from her face, which was blotchy red and tear streaked.

Fred pulled a vibrant purple handkerchief out of his pocket and handed it to her. "Wipe your eyes and glasses first then you can read it."

She did as he said, but then realized, "I left the note on the table."

"But I didn't." he handed it to her.

It still read _Busted!_ And she gave him a skeptical look.

"Look again," he said.

She saw that it now said something else.

_I love you._

"Do you?" she asked, her eyes filling with more tears.

"Yes," he said, pulling the handkerchief out of her hands and wiping her tears himself.

"Oh," she said stunned. "I love you, too."

"I know," Fred muttered looking sheepish. "I realized that when you gave me the chest. Thank you for that, by the way,"

"You're welcome," she muttered.

Fred smiled. "Read the note again."

She looked down at it.

_Be my girlfriend?_

"Yes!" She threw herself into his arms and kissed him.

- - -

"Everyone may recall the ballots that were handed out this past week," Professor Dumbledore began. "You were asked to vote for whoever you would most like to hear the End of Term Speech from. A whopping seventy-five percent voted that they would most like Fred and George Weasley to give it. And now let's hear from them."

Fred and George stood up, and bounded up to the front of the room.

"Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears…" George began.

The ceiling began to rain ears down onto the duo.

Fred continued, "We would like to end this term with a few brief announcements."

"First of all, we would like to remind you," George said, peering over his newly conjured half-moon spectacles. "Not to go chasing after Basilisks, Trolls, or crazed-murderers…"

"Unless your names are Harry Potter, Hermione Granger or Ron Weasley," Fred continued, casting spotlights onto the three, using his wand.

"We would also like to inform you," George said and paused to pop a lemon drop into his mouth.

Fred grinned evilly, "that Weasleys Wizard Wheezes are having their grand opening…"

"On July first, at number 93 Diagon Alley…" George continued. "All thanks to our mysterious financial backer…"

"Otherwise known as Harry Potter," Fred said.

Professor McGonagall groaned loudly as Fred transfigured himself to have the trademark messy black hair, green eyes, glasses, and lightning bolt scar. Aside from the freckles it wasn't half bad, though he let it fade away a minute later.

George continued the speech by saying, "Also, would like to explain something wondrous…"

"…Stupendous…"

"…Fabulous…"

"…Amazing really…"

"…Utterly Fascinating…"

"…And altogether astonishing…"

Fred continued, "…We would like to explain to you…"

"…_How To Romance A Weasley Twin In Ten Easy Steps_…"

"Step Number One…" Fred said as George unrolled a scroll.

George read, "Don't take points off of him for setting off fireworks in the Gryffindor common room."

Fireworks exploded above the High Table.

"Number Two," Fred continued when they were done.

"Send him mysterious…"

"…Anonymous…"

"…Love birds," George said, and white paper birds began to fly just above their heads.

One of them dropped something wet and white onto George's shoulder.

"Step Number Three…"

"Send him a book on Muggle Pranks."

Malfoy came in from using the restroom. As he sat down at the Slytherin table a rude noise came from his general direction, causing him to stand up suddenly, and grab a pink balloon type object from his seat. He threw it angrily in the direction of the twins, but it didn't go far.

"Step Number Four," Fred said stifling his laughter.

"Give him the supplies to do those Muggle Pranks," George said, winking at the Gryffindor table.

Whoopee cushions rained from the ceiling onto all four House Tables.

"Numero Cinco," Fred read.

"WHAT?" George asked incredulously.

"It's Spanish for Number Five," Fred fake whispered.

"Oh," George shrugged and read, "Give him rare Potions ingredients to create products with…"

"…Two-Way Mirrors…"

"…A set of personalized Beaters bats…"

"…And finally," Fred said, "_Twenty Simple Steps To Becoming an Animagus_."

The twins transformed into a pair of foxes.

When they transformed back, George said, "Don't worry professor, we are registered," to Professor McGonagall.

"Number Six!"

George grinned, "Get him out of class on his birthday by…"

"…turning all of the students into their House Mascots…"

"…then blaming him for it once everyone is human again…"

"…But be sure to do it in front of the entire Gryffindor common room," Fred was grinning broadly. "Step Number Seven."

"Get some suits of armor to fight in the corridor that will take him from Divination to the Great Hall for lunch…"

"…get Peeves to attack him further along that route…"

"…and create a new trick step to get him stuck in…"

"…along the same route, thereby making him…"

"…and his twin…"

"…late for lunch," Fred said practically bouncing in excitement, "and causing the following…Number Eight!"

"Swap everyone's House for the afternoon…"

"…so he can annoy Professor Snape without repercussions…"

"…because taking any points off of the twin in question, would be points off of Slytherin."

"And Number Nine is…" Fred grinned at his twin.

"Prank the entire school in order to make him smile after a particularly nasty break-up with his girlfriend of two years," George said.

"And Step Number Ten in _How To Romance A Weasley Twin In Ten Easy Steps_ is…"

George flicked his wand, creating a drum roll for Fred.

Fred looked at his girlfriend and said, "When he says 'I love you', love him back!"

Fred bounded down the steps, and pulled Hermione out of her seat, dipped her back over his arm, and kissed her.

George looked stunned for a moment when his twin abandoned him. Then he bowed deeply. "We would also like to extend our deepest condolences to Mr. Lucius Malfoy…"

Draco Malfoy began to pay attention at hearing his father's name.

George continued, "…because he is the unfortunate new owner of a bouncing white ferret."

Draco instantly transformed into ferret-boy and began to bounce.

"CONSTANT VIGILANCE!" George yelled, and walked over to attempt to pull Fred off of Hermione because they were still kissing and scaring the first-years.

* * *

**10 points to anyone who can guess where I got 'the "lend me your ears" line folowed by the shower of ears' from.**


End file.
